The CORE Approach®

Reinvention:

How do we go from who we thought we were "supposed to" be to who we want to become today and in the future?

By Valerie J. Shinbaum, MS, LPC, NCC, MAC

July 2005

As I live each decade of my life, I reflect on how each decade seems better than the one prior. I have heard many people say they wish they could go back to a certain age, because that was a better time than now. But I'm of the opposite mind - in my life, each year unfolds and turns out better than the one before it, and things in my life are always getting better as I get older.

Somewhere along the way, I became aware that life is short, we're only on earth once, and I want to come to the end of my life without regrets. I knew that I would have those regrets if I didn't make an active, conscious choice about doing the things I knew I wanted to do. I began to have a "goals list" in my head - dreams and plans and things and experiences I wanted for myself. And happily, I am pleased to say that I need to constantly add to the list, because that achievement process is working well in my life.

The process of "reinvention" is best discussed from the beginning, or how do we become "invented" in the first place, and then how and why do we need to "reinvent" ourselves? Obviously, the first people who "invent" us are the families into which we're born, our families of origin. They are the first people who "imprint" ideas of who we are "supposed to be" upon, us, usually from the day we first appear in the world. So many of these "imprints" are from gender roles/definitions. Some are from whatever culture we're born into. Some of the imprints come from the socioeconomic backgrounds of our origin families and the histories of the generations before ours. There are many different first "imprints" which serve to "invent" us at birth.

So what happens when we continue to grow and go along the journey from childhood into adult life, and along the way we're told what she "should be" when we grow up, and for whatever reason that just doesn't feel right to us? We might choose to say, "No, I don't think that's what I'll do," at different points along the way, as that "not feeling right" sensation comes over us. For some of us, we take a stand to choose our own paths early on. Others of us, who are more sensitive and fearful of the emotional rejection of our origin families or of others in our lives whom we "allow" to have emotional power over us, might try to walk along the road that was predetermined, or commanded, or dictated from childhood. If that's not what really feels like the right road, eventually these people also come to a place where they know they need to find their own way, even if that involves taking that fearful step of risking criticism or negative reactions from others. Regardless of the timing, for everyone there comes a moment and we each know when that moment happens.

How do we recognize those defining moments? For some of us, it might involve acknowledging our body's physical reactions to the stressors of emotional unhappiness, like migraine headaches or irritable bowel syndrome or colitis or ulcers, or pinched nerves or muscle spasms that we finally admit are connected with the stressors that come from working in a job that isn't the right fit. Or maybe it's the way we dread having to get up out of bed each day to go about living a life that we know is not at all what we want to be doing. Once we finally start to really think about the links of those physical symptoms to our emotional and psychological well-being, that's the next step to take on the road toward a life more happily lived.

Where do we go from that next step? That all depends on what we have realized we want to do for ourselves. Part of that process is to remember how important it is to be okay with letting go of the "old messages" that really don't work in our current lives any more. This is the part where people have struggles, and where, in many cases, they keep turning away from who they really want to become, who they really need to "reinvent." For so many people, this "letting go" part is SO HARD!!! We cling so tightly to old relationships with people who might never have really been supportive of us at all, but for whatever reason, based on their status in our old lives, they hold a very important and powerful place in our heads, and the volume of their "voices" is LOUD!

What does it take for us to "turn down the volume" on the "old voices" and learn to listen for the messages that make sense in our lives today, the messages that are supportive, and understanding, and accepting, and encouraging? By realizing that the first place those new messages come from is within ourselves. Once we have that awareness, and we know the strength of that person inside us, that nobody can touch or get to or destroy or hurt or thwart or dissuade or stop, then we're well on the way toward "reinventing" that person we always knew we wanted to become, and we will stay on this forward-moving, action-choosing, positive thinking, happily empowered person we know we are.

Does "reinvention" happen only once? Absolutely not. This is a "work in progress," a lifetime achievement that is ongoing, and with each new chapter, a new "reinvention" may or may not take place. As we take each next step, we always remember to let go of what really doesn't work any more, and leave behind what isn't necessary for the road ahead. When we learn to pack a little lighter, to clear out the unnecessary clutter, the forward movement takes less effort and because it's less burdensome. Do we take steps back from time to time? Certainly. Something will come up from our old lives - an illness or death, or change in marital status perhaps, or an issue with a child, or with a friendship. Those kinds of emotionally charged situations can always throw us off our game, or force us to change our direction, albeit unwillingly. But if we remember to keep the focus on ourselves, keep firm in our resolve to choose for what WE want, those "detours" don't deter us away from the main road for very long, and we find our way back to the forward-moving, self-fulfilled, well-lived happy life highway in what seems like no time at all.